“Did you know that meltdowns are involuntary acts most often caused by overstimulation and are outside the control of the person in question? Meltdowns should not be confused with tantrums, which are willful acts meant to manipulate.” -Lost and Tired (www.lostandtired.com)
My son has a wonderful, sunny disposition. He has a kind and caring heart. He has an unadulterated joy that emanates
from him as he dances through life. He
has a vivid imagination and he joyfully accepts the revolving role as the main character of his fantasy world every single day. It is captivating to watch. However, he also weathers many emotional
storms that can quickly dampen that sunny personality. Tears flow easily with Ben, often for
seemingly no reason. But, make no
mistake, there is always a reason. He
cries when life becomes overwhelming. He when cries too much is going on around him and he just can’t handle it any more. He cries when plans change and things that he expected and needed to happen don’t happen. Normally his
tears come and go quickly. Ben has
learned to recognize his feelings. When he starts to become sad or upset, he knows how take action and calm down. However, there are times when disappointment is too great, or when his sensory systems overwhelm him, and a meltdown occurs. In those moments when my son’s body succumbs
to his emotions, I try to do everything I can as a parent to help him. I try to calm, distract, and soothe. I give him a safe space to work through his
feelings. At the end of an episode, I am
exhausted and relieved that the ordeal is over.
It is human nature to view the world through our own perspective, but
the other day I had the rare opportunity to view the world through Ben’s.
Let’s back up to two afternoons ago. Ben has been taking private swimming lessons
at the local YMCA. Since we live in the
Sunshine State, the pool is outdoors.
The first two lessons went very smoothly. Ben’s swimming teacher is a sweet girl who is
working towards her master’s degree in Special Education. She has that calm, easy personality that makes
her a perfect match for Ben. She has
gone out of her way to make him feel comfortable in the water, and he has enjoyed
his time with her. However, Ben’s
greatest challenge is that he does not want to put his face under the water. At the end of the second class, she suggested
that we try swimming goggles. So, over
the weekend, we purchased the goggles, and Ben eagerly anticipated his next
class. He loves trying out new gadgets
and gear. Miss E had even given him some
shells that he would get to inspect under the water when he returned. He was stoked.
And then, as often happens in Florida, the afternoon storm
clouds rolled in. As I drove across town
from school to the Y, I watched with concern as the dark clouds slowly crept
closer from the east.
“Ben,” I warned him, “Swimming class might be cancelled
today.”
“Why?” he asked, as
he often does.
“Because it may rain,” I replied simply.
“Why?” he asked
again.
“It’s not safe to swim in the water when it rains and there
is thunder,” I explained.
“No rain,” he
replied confidently.
As we pulled into the parking lot, I breathed a sigh of
relief because the immediate area looked sunny and clear. The rain clouds were still a safe distance
away. After glancing at the radar on my
smart phone, I estimated that we had just enough time to squeeze in the lesson
before the storm hit. We had even
arrived a few minutes early. We squeezed
into a plastic chair on the back wall and watched the swimmers splash in the
water as we waited for his teacher. Ben
was clearly ready to get in the water and kept trying to run towards the pool’s
edge, so I was distracted and didn’t really notice that all the swimmers were
clearing the pool area. I guess I just
thought that classes were ending for the hour.
Then, I saw Miss E approaching us, her face clearly lined
with worry. She explained that the
lifeguards had heard thunder, and once thunder or lightning are observed in the
vicinity, then the pool has to be vacated for 15 minutes until they are cleared
to enter the water again. She asked if
we wanted to wait and see what would happen or if we wanted to reschedule the
lesson. I looked at my eager son, the
sunny skies overhead, and decided to chance it.
“Let’s give it 15 minutes and see what happens.”
I explained to Ben that he would have to be
patient and we would have to wait a little longer for swimming class. And, miraculously, he was patient. He sat happily next to his coach and answered her
questions about school, about his new goggles, and about the movie Frozen. He played with his shells and his gazed
straight ahead at the pool. The 15
minutes had just about ended, and I thought we were in the clear. Suddenly, thunder rumbled again and everyone
groaned. I knew there was no sense
prolonging the inevitable. Miss E and I
agreed to try again tomorrow.
Ben watched his coach wave goodbye to him and walk
away. He looked at the blue skies, the
empty pool, and I watch his eyes squinch shut as he struggled to keep composure.
“I want to SWIM!” he insisted as the tears began to pour. I knew that there would be no explaining
this, no rationalizing the reasons why.
Today was supposed to be swimming day, and it was not happening.
“I’m crying,” he said, as the tears fell of their own
accord. I used all the techniques in my power to guide him away from the pool
and coax him to the car. I knew that the
sooner we left, the easier it would be for him to put this episode behind him.
“How about we go to dinner instead?” I coaxed.
“We could meet Daddy somewhere?”
Usually distraction helps, but today he wasn’t having it. He was gone.
He had managed to keep it together through the long wait over the
weekend for this lesson, and then these extra minutes poolside, as he had
patiently watched the water as the clock ticked down. Now, he just could not understand why he
could not swim, when there was no rain, no dark clouds, and it was his
turn. It was just too much to take.
As we drove home, I soothed him, “I know you are sad. It’s okay to cry. I understand that you wanted to swim.”
What he said next surprised me. Through his broken sobs, he managed to get
out, “I don’t like to cry, Mommy. I
don’t want tears.”
Those words were like a punch in the stomach. They took my breath away. For the first time, I really stopped and considered the
emotional toll that these meltdowns must have on him. As much as I have read about the autistic
meltdown being outside of the person’s control, I think I believed on some
level that he was using his tears to control and manipulate the situation, as
is often the case in tantrums that young children have. But through his words, he was able to express
just how much he hates being out of control, being incapable of stopping those
strong emotions that well up inside him.
As I was still trying to process his words, Ben added this,
in a quiet, trembling voice, “Sorry I cried.”
I don’t remember my exact response to his words, but I know
I told him that I understood why he cried, and it was okay.
As I think back on it now, this is what I wish I would have
said to him.
“You don’t ever need to be
sorry you cried. Crying is a very real
response to the emotions that you feel. Society
will tell you that real men don’t cry.
They will tell you to hold your feelings inside and to ‘suck it
up’. People may tell you that some
things are a big deal and some things are a little deal, and that you shouldn’t
cry about the little things. What they
don’t understand is, those 'little things' are huge to you. They don’t know all of the events that have
led up to the moment when you could not keep the tears inside any longer. They don’t know that this ‘little thing’ may
be have been the last straw for you. And,
I want you to know, that your perspective is just as valid as theirs. Your emotions are very real, and as your
Mommy I will help you to find the words to express your emotions and give you
strategies to help you feel calm and regulated, but there will be times when
you will reach the point where you will need to cry. When this happens, you never need to be sorry
for your tears. The fact that you showed
enough compassion in that moment to think about how your mommy may have felt shows
a caring heart. You knew that you had
lost control and you were sorry for it.
You didn’t want the tears to come but they did. That has to be very, very frustrating for
you. And, as frustrating as it is to
lose control, I want you to know that your mommy will always be here for you.”
A meltdown is very, very different from a typical childhood
tantrum. If you see one happening at the
grocery store, the mall, or at your YMCA pool, I ask you to pause before
judging the child or the parent in that situation. You may be seeing a child at a time when he
is at his most vulnerable and exposed- a time when he has lost all
control. And remember, he doesn’t enjoy experiencing
that loss of control any more than you like seeing and hearing it. By showing kindness and compassion rather
than coldness and judgment, you are showing that child and parent that you see
their struggle and you understand. And
in a world that’s full of enough challenge, a little kindness can go a long
way.
Totally cried when I got to what you wished you'd said!!! Might even print it out and be ready to read it to my guy...or my self (though as a female I have the privilege of having more of a "right" to cry). BEAUTIFUL. And btw sounds like you both handled it super well.
ReplyDeleteLove,
Thanks, Full Spectrum Mama! I'm not by nature a crier myself, but when I do I always feel such an emotional relief. I think it's interesting that as a society we are often encouraged to keep our emotions inside. I know that being in a calm and regulated state is important, but that's just not always going to be a reality. Thanks for the words of encouragement!
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