I can still
remember when I was a new mom, nine years or so ago. Milestones and schedules were so important to
me then. Before Ben was born, I would
read the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting” and I would study the month
by month guides, envisioning my baby crawling at six months, walking at a year,
and talking not long after. (Spoiler alert- Ben did none of those things on
that time table). I think that all
parents have visions for the way their child’s life will go. We naturally assume they will learn to tie their shoes, swim in a pool, and learn to ride a bike. Nine years ago, those activities seemed like
a given in my mind. It never crossed my
mind to assume that my child would have difficulty achieving these childhood
rites of passage. It never occurred to
me that some of these things might not happen for my kid at all.
Fast
forward nine years into the future. Fast
forward to an older and (hopefully) wiser me.
A few weeks ago Ben rode his bike on his own for the first time. The old me would have been completely freaked
out about the fact that Ben didn’t show the slightest interest in riding a bike
until he was nine. The old me would have
looked around when Ben was five at all the kids whizzing around on two wheels
and wondering why mine stuck on his tricycle.
However, experience has taught me that Ben will do things when he is
ready.
When Ben was four years old, he
rode around the neighborhood on a tiny bike with training wheels. We
spent part of our summer in Indiana, and I will never forget the day that
changed Ben’s feelings about bikes forever. That morning he wanted to ride his bike through the my
parent’s neighborhood as he had done every day for the past two weeks. In his rush to
leave that day, he had forgotten his bike helmet. He set off, slowly picking up speed as he rode down the
sidewalk with me trailing behind.
Suddenly, I realized where he was headed and jogged to catch up. He had never gone that far before. I watched helplessly from the top of the hill
as his bike quickly picked up speed. Ben's squeals of glee quickly changed to
screams of terror. He flew out of
control and landed in the middle of the road, head first. I raced down the hill but it was too late. I remember picking gravel out of his hair. I remember his blood on my hands. I should have stayed calm- I am always calm,
but in that moment I panicked. I left
the bike in the middle of the road and carried him home, yelling for my dad who
was mowing the lawn and so he couldn’t hear me. I think my yelling is what stayed in Ben's mind
the most. He felt my panic and made that panic his own. Thankfully, Ben didn’t need any
stitches but long after the physical scars healed, the psychological damage
remained. A cloud of anxiety hung over
bicycles for years after. We tried
encouraging bikes, and Ben would oblige us for very short distances, immediately
abandoning the bike as soon as we would let him. Finally, five years later, Ben rode a tandem
bike with his Nana while on vacation and found his confidence again. A week later he watched his best friend
outpace him in the neighborhood as he struggled to keep up on his scooter. The time had finally come to try the bike
again. At his request, we found Ben a
blue bike of his own. They don’t make
bikes his size with training wheels, so he would have to learn to ride and
balance with two wheels. Thirty minutes
later, Ben was flying around the neighborhood with no help from either of
us. Ben’s story of learning to ride a
bike was wildly different than how imagined bike riding would go for him. I had visions of little Ben riding around on training
wheels until the day came when Dad removed them and worked with him until
finally, he sailed off into the sunset.
But the older and wiser me has learned to expect the unexpected.
Swimming
under water was the same. For years Ben
refused to get his face wet in the water.
We tried swimming lessons every summer, even shelling out big bucks for
private lessons once, but to no avail.
We tried a “tough love” coach that got him to put his head under,
through tears, but Ben would refuse to do it after classes were over. We tried all kinds of goggles and special
gear, from nose plugs to fancy diving masks.
Finally, one summer when he was eight, on a perfectly normal day, Ben
decided to go under the water all on his own.
Then, he decided to swim across the pool. Within an hour he was swimming all over,
seeing how deep he could dive. And he
hasn’t looked back since.
It was the
same with tying his shoes. Ben showed no
interest in tying all through kindergarten, first grade, and second grade. Finally, his third grade year dawned and Ben
decided it was time. He worked with a
buddy at school for a day and now he can tie his shoes like a pro.
I tell you
these stories of my son to remind you of this.
Don’t get too caught up in the developmental timetables that tell you
when your child “should” do something.
It’s important, of course, to pay attention to delays and to keep an eye
on progress, but don’t become consumed with your child being different than the
other children around him or her. As one
wise blogger mom, Jess, likes to say, “Now is not forever, and never is a load
of crap.” Your child may not achieve
that milestone today or even tomorrow, but that doesn’t mean he or she will
never get there. Ben constantly
surprises us by what he suddenly decides to do.
If you asked me a month ago if my kid would ever ride a bike, I would
have said, “Probably not.” But today he
rides all over the neighborhood. Never
underestimate your child. Try not to put
too much pressure on him or her to do something on your schedule. Let go of the
vision of the child you expected to have and focus instead on the amazing child
who is right in front of you. Love your
child just as he or she is. Your child
will thank you for it!
Welcome to the Voices of Special Needs Blog Hop — a monthly gathering of posts from bloggers hosted by The Sensory Spectrum and The Jenny Evolution. Click on the links below to read stories from other bloggers about what it’s like to have child or student with special needs. Want to join us for next month's Voices of Special Needs hop? Click here!
